M is for MOXIE.

 // via. // (please take note of the sad drunkard in the back row).

Here I go, kicking off 2015 with some top quality content!

And by "top quality content," I'm of course referring to a play-by-play recap of last night's Bachelor premiere. I haven't been a total loyalist to the ridiculous franchise, but somewhere along the way, I began a pseudo-tradition of taking notes and predicting the winner.

This isn't a totally original idea... can't take credit for it completely. One of the first bloggers I ever started following chronicled her Bach watch parties with her family. While my reporting will not be exactly like hers, she has laid the groundwork for my format.

So, if all goes as planned, I'll offer a little episode guide each week right here, best approached as you watch on your own. So if you're not into spoilers, steer clear. Reality Steve ain't got nothing on this.

Here we go!


Red Carpet Hour:

• What is this red carpet business? Have we fallen so far that we have to entice viewership by dragging old cast members back? (I mean, the answer is obviously yes, but damn.)
• But I'll admit, I'm kinda into it... but THREE HOURS LONG??
• Farming intro is predictable, but super cute. Chris is so good-looking, and it's really endearing that he's so passionate about his roots (NO PUN).
• "I feel like the luckiest man alive." = first line in the script the producers FedEx contestants.
• Gah, all the farming and love puns = CORNY (see what I did there?) 
• All of the old men hanging out at the meat-and-three are crazy adorable.
• Aaaand cue Cody the trainer.
• Lifting hay bales, huh? Easy way to streamline a workout sesh with those rural surroundings. While being filmed.
• Guy looks good in a checkered shirt.
• I don't dig motorcycles. What say you?
• Do you think they train all of the Bachelor(ettes) on nailing that wistful, faraway stare into the horizon?
• Catherine Lowe is so pregs.
• I loved Deanna!!! Little Greek sasspot.
• I wonder what the alcohol budget is for this show.
• I wonder what Chris Harrison's salary is.
• Ohhhh, Catherine and Sean, here we go (didn't watch their season, p.s.)
• What the hell is she wearing?
• Weird, vague references to kids.
• She's really cute... he kind of annoys me, but seems like a good guy. And as silly as it may sound, he seems like a Texas guy.
• Okay, we really didn't want all of that advice from you, chap. Settle down.
• Marcus and Lacy... so good-looking. Glad she's tamed down her makeup situation. But girl, pick up a book. Also, what cloud do they live on? They seem even more aloof than the standard Bach cast member.
• Britt is gorgeous! ...and whoa, skinny.
• Is ombre still a thing?
• Crop tops, man.
• She has a Chrissy Teigen vibe... I like her.
• Whoaaaaa, Dominique Moceanu. Easy with that.
• How awkward must a workplace filming be? How many takes? Who do you allow to be in the shot with you? So many questions!
• You know she's a Crossfitter...wearing boob tape.
• WHOA QUADS.
• Ballet instructor is so very midwestern. That voice.
• "I like not paying bills and I don't cook, and I don't clean." Sounds like stellar wife material!
• She has pretty hair though.
• Whitney... awesome profession. Terribly grating voice. 
• BUT OMG CUTE DOG.
• But that voice. Damn.
• Mackenzie... downer of an intro by that waterway. Kinda has a Twilight vibe, doesn't it?
• KALE? Are you effing kidding? Naturally, they're both wearing green.
• She looks like an infant. 
• Oooooh, the flight attendant is a cutie. And she has a great voice.
• I'm apparently big on voices.
• Still can't get over that that kid's name is Kale.
• All those creepy dudes and roses. LOLOL.
• HEYYYY TEXAS FLAG!
• Cute girl... seems genuine straight away.
• Widow?! How sad.
• Paddleboarding! Always wanted to do that in Austin!
• She is so cute. And not just because she's from Texas. Top 5, for sure.
• I didn't love Clare during her season, but I do now. She's really pretty.
• Yawn. Andi and Josh. She's super gorgeous and they really do appear to be happy together... but doesn't she seem so into herself? I liked her on the season but ever since, she is just nauseating to me.
• Ha, how awkward to cue into the "super cute farmer from Iowa on your season." 
• "...also Josh was good friends with him..." you mean, your fiance doesn't want to be BFF with someone who was in love with you? Go figure.
• Please notice how she's reassuringly rubbing Josh's back the entire time she's talking about Chris. Weird.
• Also didn't love Nikki during her season, but I do now. "Esss okay."
• The heavy percussion and strings score on this crap really amps up the drama factor.
• Wow, Nikki is really eloquent and pouring this out in an honest, respectable way.
• "We were all trying to save you!" - Chris Harrison. Are you allowed to say that, bro?
• She really handled that with class.
• Oooooh, Bachelor Fantasy League! I need to find that bracket!
  

The Real Deal:

• Ahh, the telltale footage of California coastline and a hottie on wheels. Standard Bach setting.
• LOLOL, love that he's so vocal about hating this wardrobe situation.
• There's that wistful stare!
• I mean, do you think he's really naked in that outdoor shower? As he's being filmed? Odd.
•  The limo giggling and squealing is soooo tired.
• "His smile is just a panty-dropper." Unnecessary, Ballerina Barbie. Also, I looooathe the P word.
• Oh my gosh, Britt is the cutest. Great dress.
• I adore her already... but is she a crazy? Can't tell yet.
• Whitney... your voice got okay and then you said your name. And then you kept talking.
• And uh yeah, you would definitely be there if it wasn't him. Let's be real.
• Kelsey! Top 5.
• Ahhh, Megan! From Nashville! Pretty hair. And not wearing a ton of makeup like most makeup artists do. How refreshing.
• Ashley kinda has a Kardashian vibe. Little bit plastic-y. Little bit monotone.
• Trina, "special ed teacher." Might be code for "stripper."
• What's with the ice chest? And "Reegan?" 
• No. Put it down, girl.
• "That's awesome." = "what in the hell?"
• Kinda cute that Tara rolls up in her cowgirl duds. Well-played.
• All of the girls are stunned, and "I'd never wear that!" but they're way jealous they didn't think to wear the same.
• Oh, girl. Yelling "Jameson on the rocks!" across the sea of fembots won't bode well for you.
• Nikki. Pretty. Kinda plastic-y.
• Round 2 with Jameson!
• Ooooh, 80's shoulder tat. You're not old enough for that ink placement, pussycat.
• This note thing is weird... but her Egyptian crop top dress situation is weirder.
• She's totally rocking an Isla Fisher in Wedding Crashers vibe.
• Jillian... pretty and confident. But still can't stop thinking about your sinewy legs.
• Tone it down with the work-out jokes. We get it.
• Mackenzie... you look 15. And you have a kid named "Kale."
• Ashley from Brooklyn... gorgeous dress. Odd expression, intense eyes.
• Kaitlyn... Miley Cyrus vibe. And OMG with that R-rated talk. Ooooh, and those arm tats.
• Nashville Megan doesn't have a lot going on upstairs.
• Ahhh, the forced laughing.
• "Let me talk first and you can tell your joke next..." CRACK THAT WHIP, SOULES.
• Gross joke. 
• "I've watched this show half my life..." Ashley, who's "24." Girl, you don't look 24.
• Ooooh yeah! One-on-one time with my girl!
• Maybe a little TMI for a first-date... It's still early in the game, dollface.
• They clearly have chemistry.
• Ooooooh, KISS HER NOW.
• Okay, so I know if he kissed her it'd be total suicide, but I really like her. 
• "Where are the girls?!" - Trina. Maybe not a stripper... lesbian?
• Kelsey is a keeper...but give the rose to Britt!
• All these broads go to the same hairstylist. #mombob
• Whitney... I like you, but we have to do something about that whine.
• Seriously, how overwhelming would it be to hear variations of "this is the night of a lifetime" from dozens of people in a few hours?
• No one cares about Peru.
• BIG EYES. He can't even stay focused on her. She has stolen all of the focus. Poor guy.
• Kinda funny to me that the girls at the house seem to think they have an edge.
• Awww, I like Clare. She seems super down-to-earth.
• Uhhh, didn't realize Chris Harrison was divorced. Sad. (Thanks, Google).
• Trina waiting in the wings.
• Samantha has dead eyes. 
• All the brunettes with extensions kinda look the same, right? Gorgeous, lithe and a little bit plastic.
• Put your arm down, Crossfit.
• "Juelia?" ...rough.
• Cute sparkly dress. I like this one. Becca trickled her way into my top 5.
• "Now the competition is real." - Rocket Scientist Barbie, Megan from Nashville.
• Tracy has a Molly Sims vibe... classically pretty and that dress fits her like a glove.
• Do you think they have sign-ups for their peculiar intro ideas? They can't have everyone jet in on a motorcycle.
• Alissa. Cute intro with that flight attendant bit.
• Jordan... odd jewelry and such. But cheers to that whiskey toast.
• Redhead with the pig nose... can't tell if he's digging it, but I think she's cute. Pretty dress--green is definitely in her color palette.
• Whoa, WWE. No ma'am. Tone it down.
• Are the girls always this bitchy? I mean, they are, right? I can't remember it ever being this catty.
• Carly... your cruise ship background is showing, girl.
• Saying "25 women? I can handle," is a little presumptuous, Whit.
• I love that they're all so pissed that there are 30 total girls. Like 25 is a breeze.
• Teacher Tracy is cute. 
• Bo is pretty... sad to say, I think he'll nix her because she's not a size 2.
• Kimberly... short dress. Plastic brunette status.
• Jade is cute. I like her dress. They have an awkward exchange though... probably because he's already chatted with 29 other chicks.
• Miley is confident, and I think he digs that. 
• Blonde Tracy is more of a Monet. Not as striking as I originally thought.
• "I wish I was a polygamist right now." -- Chris. Finally, some honesty.
• Onion reference... girl. Giiiiirl, stop. And you're a little too abrasive with your stealing tactics. I wouldn't have been as pleasant as WWE girl was.
• Onion? I am so uncomfortable.
• "I want to run through the sunflower fields." - crazy onion girl. "Where is this conversation going?" - Megan. Hahahahaha, smartest thing she's said all night.
• Redheaded kid doesn't know what alfalfa is. Bless her heart.
• Ohhhh yeah, bust out that booze, cowgirl.
• "Sport Fishing Enthusiast" = unemployed bumpkin.
• YAYYYYY! Rose to Britt! She's so painfully adorable. They are adorable together. Let's let them pair off and watch the other gals fight for a few weeks, yes? I mean, that's basically what's happening, yes? Ahhh, a kiss!
• "This is going to be trouble..."Total doll.
• CUE THE DAGGER EYES DEATH STARES. 
• Just like clockwork, there's Chris Harrison to cue the ruining the dreams of a select few.
• Michelle Money, what is going on with you? Rude.
• Andi, stop trying to make "we showered," happen. 
• Also, you're trying way too damn hard. You're not a real celebrity. Easy with the guffawing and over-the-top dramatic faces. Liked you a lot more when you were a solid-to-the-earth Atlanta girl.
• "I gave up a lot to be here." - Whitney. Also in the script producers send to contestants.
• Kaitlin picked first? Well, at least it won't be a boring season.
• Samantha is either super collected or popping Xanax like Tic-Tacs.
• Kardashleyian got a rose.
• Nikki stole some of Sam's Xanax.
• Yayyyyy, Kelsey!
• Tara's heavy panting is making me supremely uncomfortable.
•  Yayyyyy, Becca!
• Trina the Stripper clings to another week.
• Tara, lock it up.
• Can't tell if Chris is trying not to laugh or totally digusted.
• Jordan is a bit too gypsy queen for my liking.
• Jillian would have beat his ass if he didn't give her a rose.
• Ashley? Ummm... can we agree that producers dictate that a certain percentage of crazy factor has to remain until the last few episodes?
• Bummed the redhead got axed. She seemed solid.
• Peace, Big Eyes Ballerina.
• Kara's Kentucky blue dress didn't work out... and don't announce that you're "just a little servant" on national TV. Bizarre.
• He totally checked out yoga girl's caboose as he kicked it out the door. A little surprised he chose others over her... despite her ill-fitting dress.
• Tara's eyes are barely open... you know he can smell that on her.
• Oh man, yoga got ballsy. But don't worry, Chris Harrison is here with a SUPER DRAMATIC segue.

Up Next:

• Lots of Britt and Kelsey in the previews!
• Kardashleyian's kissing style is nauseating.
• My guess is, that's Kaitlin who just got naked on the pier.
• "I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair than lose to her."
• Sex in a tent... fantastic.
• Kardashleyian totally has Kim Crying Face!!
• Why must someone always have a meltdown on the floor?
• SO MANY TEARS.
• Whitney has a Rosamund Pike thing about her. 
• SO MUCH TONGUE.
• The snowy cornfields of Iowa look so very lonely.
• And then the limo breezing through that country back road looks even more out of place.

 So, I think that means, my top 8 are as follows: Britt, Kelsey, Whitney, Alissa, Becca, Carly and Megan.

What about you?!


...until next week, friends!!!