M is for MOXIE.

 

//via.//

If you want to save yourself about ten minutes, rest assured that the above gif sums up all you really need to know about last night's episode. Ya welcome.

But for those select few who enjoy wasting time as much as I do, carry on!

 

 

• Okay, so never would've thought Kelsey would be the vixen. She looks like an elementary school librarian.
• "Santa Fe seems like the perfect place to fall in love?" Can someone pull a list of all the other exotic locales past Bach nation kids have gone...
• Uhhhh, kiddo, Santa Fe isn't a beach town. Bless her heart.
• Sweet Lord, why is she talking about having never gone out of the country??
• It's a good thing you're so cute, Megan.
• Wow. Ashley looks crazy glamorous. Pretty wine-colored lip ya got there.
• Stupid forced chant over the booze. Neat, ABC.
• Not sure how I feel about Carly... although I like her more than I did initially.
• "Love and intimacy mentor" ... So. Sex coach? 
• "If the love guru doesn't bring it out, it's not meant to be," huh? Logical formula, Soules.
• I wonder if this burning sage shit really works.
• "I'm a little concerned as to how weird this is going to get." As you should be, hombre.
• This is substantially racier than riding tractors in bikinis.
• This is so awkward and uncomfortable.
• Wow, ABC.
• I am so not a prudish person, but wow.
• Love guru is rocking a little bit of a nutcracker mouth.
• SO UNCOMFORTABLE TO WATCH. 
• Direct message to Chris: "You should pick this one just because she's uncomfortable with being a tramp." - ST
• Good for her for putting her foot down.
• But I'm not feeling the scraggly side braid.
• Ummmm, is Kelsey totally making this story up??
• Who is this Samantha chick??
• Kelsey is pissed.
• Uhhh, if you came on The Bachelor to feel special, your motives are off, kitten.
• Never noticed that mole on her forehead, but now I can't look anywhere else.
• She keeps saying "like." Grrrrrrr, STOP IT.
• Her story is endearing. Every girl wants to feel that way.
• (But stop saying "like.")
• The situations they're put in are actually so much more awkward without the cheesy music. 
• I feel for him, being concerned someone he ends up with hates farm life in Iowa. How do you know how genuine someone is in this whole thing, truly?
• I think they could actually be good together.
• Aaaaand, apparently he does too.
• Rio Grandeeeeeeee!
• Sisco, the river guide!! I wonder if he'll break out in song.
• Kardashleyian: statement earrings are maybe something you should leave at home whilst river rafting.
• Man, that looks so fun.
• Poor baby Jade!
• Kelsey is crazy annoying. "I'M FINE!" OMINOUS CACKLE.
• Whitney has a little bit of a Drew Barrymore lisp thing happening 
• Ummmm Jordan. Wtf. 
• Her hair looks pretty awesome. 
• And I have her necklace.
• Karsashleyian's turquoise suit of armor is a bit out of control.
• Daaaamn, these girls are going to pounce on her like white on rice.
• Hahaha, what a mood killer. They're all bitter Betties.
• Yeahhhh, don't bitch about the other girls to him, first rule of thumb. 
• Whit is totally one of those girls who grins as she's telling you something terrible. Hate that.
• Becca is so pretty!!! Sad that I think this is the most I've heard her talk all season.
• Kaitlin, smart move, focusing on your relationship.
• Gah, I love how pissed Kardashleyian is. She's super insecure about the situation. 
• Jade is so cute! And saying all the right things.
• Top knot game fierce, Britt.
• She totally reminds me of a cross between Teigen and Vanessa Manillo.
• But wait. Does she really not shower?? What?
• Oh man. I feel you on the fear of heights, doll.
• Yeah, I figured he'd send her home. There's really no other option.
• HAHAHAHAHA, Kardashleyian was such a beast about them all being fake and then she goes and bear hugs her with a huge smile on her face. Girls will be girls.
• Give it to Jade!
• He's said "...for the right reasons" like four times on this one day.
• Okay, Whitney is a good close second.
• Again, who is this Samantha girl?
• HAHAHAHAHA Kaitlin!!! "Who's pissed?? Who's pissed?!"
• Uhhh, Kardashleyian, you definitely need to worry about that, homegirl.
• Good for Mackenzie for speaking up and defending Whitney.
• Oh man I don't think anyone wants a surprise wake up like that.
• She's definitely sleeping with a full face of pageant makeup on.
• They're kissing with other girls inches away. Not awesome.
• I wonder if her hair is real.
• I knew it'd be a hot air balloon.
• She's all kinds of relieved.
• That would be such an awesome date.
• How do you steer those things?
• Oh there's a balloon man. Watching you make out. Neat.
• Obviously he isn't minding that she's not a bather.
• Uh oh. I wonder if Britt really said this stuff. I don't want to believe it.
• Ohhhh man, IT'S GETTING REAL.
• I just can't with Kardashleyian's lash extensions.
• But I really can't with this ridiculous meltdown of Kelsey's that I have to keep watching.
• Becca know how to rock the side braid. Carly--take notes.
• Maybeeee don't tell them all the gritty details.
• Kelsey, sister, if you're going to go all recon on the situation, don't do it in a cardigan and claw clip.
• Her story is insanely sad, but I am so weirded out with this sharing about big life loss whilst simultaneously clinging to another dude.
• Is this a total lie?! What is happening?!
• Wow. She is really creeping me out.
• The sequins look so off next to that Southwest background.
• I want to hear...
• SHE SPEAKS!
• Kelsey, stop talking.
• Ohhhh man. He called her out.
• I bet you her confidence is shot now.
• Why the hell is Britt always clinging to other chicks?
• Omg she is terrible.
• I'm presuming there's no rose ceremony because of the impending breakdown.
• Omg, I hope he knows he wants to send Kelsey home and the decision just knocks her on her ass.
• CUT TO THE CHASE ALREADY.
• Sucks for the girls who had planned to make their move during the party.
• Ha, Mackenzie is stressing about going home and Carly is completely agreeing that she should be.
• I've seen her cry enough. I want to see her go home.
• What a freak show.
• Notice how none of the girls runs to her side.
• To be continued. What BS.

Remind me why I still watch this? Oh! Because you can't pay someone to write this much crazy.

Aaaand, my new top four is: Whitney, Becca, Jade, Kaitlin. Are you still watching?? Have you made it this far?